Misery loves company?

The end of last year was a shocker for me, I was upset enough with Lemmy passing so suddenly and was then totally choked when I heard my Auntie had cancer. I knew it was bad because she’d been told by her consultant to go home and tell her family.

My MS is being an Awkward Bitch (that’s a book by the way, a very apt description of MS) and my right leg is getting so stiff that I’m seriously considering the Botox treatment as mobility is really on the slide now.

So, this blog is not an outright brushing it off and look at the ‘bright side’ but a few things I’ve learnt about myself and what keeps me going, plus a few precious memories.

There’s a Nine Inch Nails song that keeps running through my head, it’s called “Getting Smaller” it’s kind of how I feel now in a weird way. I joked to my Mum about the goldfish thing I was experiencing… seriously, I forget what I’m doing when I walk into a room or I open my mouth to speak. I can even forget what I’m saying mid-sentence (not just the point but the subject!).

This means that grief is not quite what I’d expect, don’t get me wrong, the pain is still just as deep but it just isn’t there all the time – I think that this truly is one of the good bits even though it’s bad at the same time.

That theme continues through most areas of my life to be honest and after giving it some consideration I have decided that I’ve gotten a bit selfish, I feel like I need to as a). I can’t do too much anyway and b). I need soooo much looking after. Honestly, I can’t even remember when I last shaved my legs – life has changed a lot so I’ve needed to go with it.

Don’t panic though, I still pull it together when I’m going out but it’s why I don’t go out a lot! Seriously, I have no idea how I used to do so much. I currently have quite muddy looking hair right now, with shades of pink, blue and purple and I have a stash of Crazy Colour but I digress…

With this in mind the week following Auntie Pauline’s passing (no, I’m not brushing over it) I took the bull by the horns when I received a text from ATOS to say they were available to reassess me for my PIP benefit. Needless to say, despite all the shenanigans that went on when I first applied, I knew I just had to get it over with. We actually had the meeting the following day - I was quite surprised to get a letter from the DWP by the end of the week confirming no change but it’s guaranteed til December then I’m supposed to reassessed. Fun, I still have no idea what’ll happen in December.

I have an adviser sorting out my pension now - the date of 7th Oct 2015 has LONG passed and that clever man who gave me the date, didn’t actually do anything to progress things. Fingers and toes crossed I will actually retire very soon. Despite my lack of motivation, I really am trying to sort things out now.

Now regardless of what I’m doing, either go out or stay at home, I’ve heard David Bowie at least twice a day so far this year, sometimes several times. So very sad with the news of his passing but so glad to hear him even more than normal (see, selfish, I did warn you!).

Then there was the news of Wogan’s passing, immediately I thought of the lovely photos of him with my Nan and Great-nan so I was delighted to see my Mum post the picture on Facebook.

My Nan has been very much in my thoughts not just because of the time of year but because of who we’ve lost in the last couple of years. I literally cannot allow myself to dwell for too long on this and I’m glad that they’ll be joining each other.

There’s also been some beautiful pictures of Pauline appearing, the one of her stretching made me giggle. I remember doing those stretches years later. I remember her looking after us when we were kids and as an adult, she was the person most likely to understand why I wouldn’t flinch when sending £50 on a single make up item. I still get choked up just thinking about her. I’m tearful typing this, I’ve already had one pause to mop up my face – Pauline would tell me off for that I’m sure, she stopped the tears very quickly when we visited her at the hospice.

Moving on, I have to say that social networking is a real bonus for me, it means that there’s a lot more connection with family and friends that I can’t get to see so much for a huge variety of reasons.

Back to the title, I know misery loves company but so do I… and truly I’m not miserable. I love my family and friends so much and thank you for keeping me afloat. I apologise to people that saw me for coffee a year ago and have not heard from me since, nothing’s changed but honestly, it’s just all Getting Smaller but that’s OK x